When Tragic Borders on Suicidal

For most of my adult life my preference in music has tended toward the melancholy. For anyone who really knows me, I guess that is no surprise. As a teenager I was brooding and surly. In fact, I could be downright mean. I could blame it on all the pseudoephedrine I took in my youth. Without that particular chemical I simply could not function, despite the behavioral side effects. My allergies were lethal and it kept me alive. But it just magnified a personality trait that already existed. These days, I try to subdue that side of my personality as much as possible. I have learned that being a mean SOB will not get you very far. As an adult I typically go about my day laughing, smiling and gossiping as much as time allows. I really do try to make the best out of the daily disasters which accompany being an adult, at least in my public life. The worse things get, the funnier I try to make it. It's a survival strategy and it works. And it puts others at ease. It keeps the peace.

But music is different. The more sad the song, the more I like it. I thrive on melancholy. And it has always been that way. And I can't be more serious when I say that I love music. I live for music. In my opinion, the iPod is the greatest invention in the history of human civilization, with iTunes not far behind. The iPod delivers sadness straight to my brain, anywhere, everywhere, unadulterated. And it is bliss. The irony is not lost on me.

So lately I have been listening to music by Sufjan Stevens. And his music is bleak. And acoustic. And peppered with tragedy. Naturally, I lap it up. But the more I listen to the lyrics, the more I come to the conclusion that he is one of two things: a repressed homosexual and/or a man struggling with his faith in Christianity, magnified by the conflict of repressed homosexuality. Taken in combination, his prospects for ever achieving happiness in his life are pretty poor. His faith is shaken, his sexuality is in crisis. It's killer stuff. And he lets it be known. The song "Casimir Pulaski Day" has to be the saddest song I have ever heard in my entire life. "To Be Alone With You" comes in a close second. Is it about him or Christ? I can't quite tell. And it doesn't matter. I can't wait for more.